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I just got back from a jog. It’s shocking to state those words. It seems it could have been ten years since my last. But I recently discovered that my levels show slightly high cholesterol, and doctors suggested to engage in vigorous activity on a consistent basis.

This is the first time in living memory that the reason to exercise has been my physical health. When I was younger, I ran because I aimed to lose weight. I also jogged to alleviate my anxiety – I was merely escaping from the anxiety, not addressing it. Sometimes, I jogged because I wanted to improve in running. This was the definition to me then to build a superior lifestyle.

Jogging with altered intent currently sparked reflection about the methods I’ve connected with my physique during my years and its transformation as I transition from being a young person to being a middle-aged person. It seems unlikely I’ve valued my own body, not deep down. I’ve appreciated it only for its capabilities and the purposes it served me: seeking approval; escaping emotions; completing a speedier five kilometers. Up to now, I’ve not understood that my body represents me, it is my life, rather than an instrument for achievements.

A lot has been discussed through history about the division of mind and body – which you will be relieved to know, I won’t summarize here. What I’ve found most fascinating is Sigmund Freud’s view that mental and physical selves are innately connected from birth, because physical development necessitates mental growth and the reverse is true. The newborn’s corporeal feelings – like the corporeal experience of hunger – drive the brain to cultivate the ability to perceive hunger as an emotion that is alleviated by eating; and the psychological solace and fulfillment repeatedly brought by feed after feed nourishes the infant’s psyche similar to the nutrition fuels them corporally. Likewise mental events – such as the wish to stand up and reach for something, and the resolve to attempt repeatedly – are the reason and method the body develops power. From our earliest moments, our body and mind are interconnected in shared growth as connected as a double helix.

Yet I’ve observed, in sessions with my psychoanalyst, that mental and physical aspects might experience a different kind of relationship – a more separated and increasingly manipulative. My consciousness might utilize my body to store and manifest aspects that my psyche considers unacceptable or intolerable. In my sessions we realized that exist particular emotional states that I am afraid I cannot bear; in place of experiencing them mentally, I subconsciously shift them to my physical self, where they get stuck as physical symptoms.

I often had this with indigestion – which had nothing to do with what I’d eaten, but represented a form of corporeal reaction of the more acidic feelings I was unable to process in my mind. It wasn’t an intentional act, but when it was brought to my attention through therapy, and my fear and vulnerability and rage and terror could be felt and put into words rather than converted to physical sensation, it resolved. It’s uncommon for me from stomach problems now.

The most severe episode I experienced this severe heartburn, I failed to rest for many nights straight. It seemed I was losing my sanity. I consulted a general practitioner, who arranged multiple examinations and assessments, but there was nothing medically abnormal. The situation was a different physician who suggested that the origin may be emotional. My psychoanalyst concurred. I was shocked, but I also knew it was correct.

When a patient endures a corporeal problem, they might feel insulted at the suggestion that it could have an emotional origin. They might feel this as being disrespected, hearing that their illness is imagined. Naturally it’s a real phenomenon – people can have their pain ignored or misdiagnosed. But in some cases it’s possible that the corporeal issues are genuine – without doubt – and the origin is psychological, the unconscious using the body to manifest emotional hurt or anger or whichever sentiment the mind fails to handle. Sometimes, we may believe our experience matters solely only through expression through the body. We often undervalue our psychological well-being personally, as a society and within our culture; why else would we tolerate the appalling reduction of psychological therapies through health services?

Personal insights have shown me that a better life cannot be created when we are stuck unawares in modes of connection, within ourselves and socially, that originate in disrespect, exploitation and transaction. These dynamics tend to be simpler to identify “externally” in broader culture. It may be harder to consider how they got out there, and to recognise these shapes within ourselves and in intimate connections, in the workings of our mental lives.

But it’s worth persevering. After donning my trainers back on post a long hiatus, venturing out not for bodily change, or to escape a feeling, or to surpass a running record, {it